You may hear the term "codependency" used interchangeably in various conversations without being aware of everything that it entails. According to researchers O'Brien and Gaborit, codependency is defined as "an excessive preoccupation with the lives, feelings, and problems of others." 

Codependency, although highly normalized, can be severely damaging to you and others around you. To prevent damage, it is vital to learn more about what codependency looks like and what you can do to change or prevent this pattern.

What Does Codependency Look Like?

Anyone can struggle with codependency, although it can be especially prevalent in family dynamics. It can manifest differently for everyone in your family. This means that for some, codependency may appear more subtle, while there may be more obvious signs for others. Some common signs of codependency can include the following behavioral signs:

Boundaryless Relationships

In many codependent relationships, there are no healthy boundaries that have been established by everyone involved. Such boundaries can include:

• Having designated alone time

• Not violating private items such as phones, journals, etc.

• Not discussing triggering topics

• Asking permission before discussing emotional topics

• Considering others' time

• Not expecting others to be responsible for your emotions

• Respecting differing opinions, experiences, and emotions

• Being able to say "no"

• Being able to accept when someone says "no"

• Having an identity outside of the relationship

You might be tempted to believe that having these healthy boundaries will prevent people from being close in a relationship. On the contrary, not having these boundaries in any kind of relationship (whether romantic or not) is indicative of codependent dynamics. If you find that you do not have these boundaries in one or many of your relationships, you may want to consider seeking help for codependence. 

Controlling Behaviors

When you or someone else is demonstrating controlling behaviors, not only is this concerning, but it is a warning sign that one or all of you may struggle with codependency. It is vital to know what controlling behaviors look like so you can facilitate healthy relationships. Controlling behaviors might include the following:

• Only being able to have things done their way

• Constantly criticizing you or others

• Never accept responsibility for their shortcomings

• Gaslighting

• Unreasonable jealousy

• Physically aggressive

• Attempt to change you

• Prevent you from seeing various people or places

Whether you recognize these signs in yourself or others, it is best to take action to try to change the dynamics. Seeking professional help to identify and work through these signs of codependence can prevent you and others from hurting one another and causing significant damage. 

Low Self-Esteem

While low self-esteem may only seem like a harmful behavior for yourself, it can negatively impact others in your relationships as well. It can cause you or others to hurt yourself and even cause those around you to feel smothered, worried, or even resentful. Low self-esteem can look like:

• Negative self talk

• Only focusing on the negative aspects of yourself

• Comparing yourself to others

• Not taking care of yourself

• Not being able to communicate needs or desires

While everyone may struggle with some moments of low self-esteem from time to time, constant low self-esteem is highly damaging for yourself and others. This is especially true for those in families and relationships of all kinds. 

What Can You Do to Fix Codependent Behaviors?

Codependent behaviors and patterns take time to develop; therefore, they take time to change as well. That being said, they can be changed over time with consistent hard work. For example, you can implement breaks from one another when needed. This is especially helpful in the case where an argument is beginning. Doing so can help you and others to take the time and space necessary to gather your own thoughts and feelings and process them accordingly. 

Another thing you can do to begin changing codependent dynamics is to spend quality time with other people outside of the family or relationship. This time away from your loved one is important to remember you are your own person. By spending time with someone else you enjoy, you can have a good time without your family member or loved one. This can help normalize time spent with others and even establish more trust. 

Seeking the help of a team of trained professionals in cases of codependence is always a beneficial idea. Through their help, you can improve your relationships with others, as well as learn more about yourself. They can facilitate healthy communication and ensure that everyone's needs are met. If you or someone you love is displaying signs of codependence, seek help today.

Codependency is a common term that is tossed around regularly. However, this does not mean that it should be normalized. Codependency in families can prove to be very damaging to all involved. Some signs of codependency can include a lack of boundaries, controlling behaviors, and low self-esteem for one or all people involved. Unfortunately, codependent dynamics take plenty of time to work through and heal from. That is why we recommend reaching out to professionals who can help you and your family members carefully work through codependency. Next Level Recovery Associates' family therapy groups may be a great option for you if you are seeking help for codependent dynamics within your family. Our therapists and coaches can help you and your family work through these behaviors together to create happier, healthier dynamics. Reach out to us at consult@nextlevelra.com to begin your transformation.